Well, it’s now four weeks since Kathryn split up with me.
A month.
How do I feel…not great. Better, but not great. Not over it. Not over her. Not yet.
What have I done since my last blog…erm…
Went out with my workmates on Bonfire Night (which was…couple of days before my last blog entry). Saw the Cambridge Fireworks Display, which was very good, & then went to the pub. Good night out, had fun, enjoyed myself, got my mind off things. Went out the following night, Sat 6th, again with a few of my workmates.
Went to my parents’ on Sunday 7th, for Sunday dinner. Been a while since I’d been back home.
Weekend before last, I was out with Rich & LLoyd on the Friday night, & Graham & Tim on the Saturday night. Good nights, & lots of beer.
Last week, I was out on Thursday night for a workmate’s leaving do thing. Huge load of us from work went to an Algerian restaurant for a meal (very nice…quite like Greek/Turkish food), & then went to a pub (Live & Let Live, excellent place. Loads of good cask ales etc.).
Actually ventured into the Kings Hedges area on Friday, to see Rich, Karen, & LLoyd. They always come into town, so it was only fair that I finally go out their way. Went to a very nice pub called the Carlton Arms. Out again with Rich & LLoyd on Saturday, for a couple of quick drinks at the Pig, before Rich & LLoyd went off to the Junction for some Drum ‘n’ Bass thing.
Anyway…
I took the photos of me & Kathryn down from my wall on Sunday. Didn’t really think I should keep them up anymore. I liked looking at them, as they remind me of happier times, but seeing them every day was not good. Just made me feel sad.
I had a shit night’s sleep last night. Went to bed before 1am, but didn’t get to sleep ’till gone 3am. Tried to sleep, but my mind just filled up with everything again, & I kept going over it all again, & got upset.
Dammit.
I’m all alone now. OK, yes, I still have my friends, still have my family, have good friends at work, have nice housemates, etc. etc…but I’m still lonely, still alone.
I miss her.
Fuck. What is it with me? Why did this happen? Why did things change? Was it because of things I didn’t say & didn’t do, things I did say & did do, or did it just happen because it did? Is there something wrong with me?
Am I destined to be alone my whole life? Unloved? Lonely? Empty?
How can I ever find anyone else like Kathryn? She was…perfect. My perfect beautiful sweet sexy smart funny gorgeous girl.
Hell, how I can find *anyone* else ever, full stop? Kat was only my 3rd girlfriend, the first in 2 1/2 years (!), & the first proper serious long term one.
I don’t want to be alone.
It’s not just the lack of sex (although, to be honest, that does *really* suck), it’s the lack of *everything*, not just sex & physical contact, but the whole emotional thing, the lack of someone to do things with, to see things with, to have fun with, to share my life with…to be with.
After four weeks, I do still want to stay in touch with Kathryn, I do want to try & be friends with her. I know it can never be like it was before, never be anything other than “just good friends” (ah, the old cliche!), & I know it will be hard. But I do still want to try, even though part of me sometimes says “What’s the fucking point?!”. I don’t want to not be friends with her, & I don’t want to never see her again.