Went out with my housemate Tom, & his friends, last night. We went to “Mickey Flynn’s”, a pool bar. Was initially just going to be for a couple of hours, but we ended up staying ’till closing time. Fun night. Had a few drinks, played lots of pool. Won some, lost some. Decided to become a member there today, as Tom said he goes there a fair bit, plus a couple of my workmates do too.
Didn’t do a great deal today. Went into town briefly this afternoon, & watched Spider-Man 2 (DVD) tonight.
Excellent film.
But even watching Spidey 2 upset me, as I first saw it in the cinema with Kathryn, back in July, on our 2 1/2 year anniversary.
Then it also made me think of Spider-Man 1, which I saw with Kathryn back when it came out, in June (I think) 2002.
Started thinking of that night in ’02. It was a very special night. We saw Spidey 1, went out for dinner, & then went for a quick drink, & then came back to Kathryn’s. It was the night we first told each other that we loved each other. I’d been wanting to say it to Kathryn for a while, but was afraid & couldn’t bring myself to do it. We got back to hers, & I slowly tried to broach the subject, saying how much I loved seeing her, & loved being with her, & loved doing things with her etc. She said the same, & then said the thing itself, said she loved me. First time she ever said it. Then I told her I loved her (after my initial surprise had gone). One of the happiest moments in my life, the 1st time we said we loved each other.
I used to keep a personal diary of my time with Kathryn. Quite a detailed one, with stuff on where we went & what we did, details of text messages to each other, stuff about when we talked on the phone, etc. I think I started it because, basically, I’m quite a pessimistic & paranoid person. I used to have a lot of worry & paranoia, early on, about her dumping me, or leaving me for someone else, so I kept this diary of everything, so I’d have something, a record of our time together, something to help my memories, if we did split up. As I got more secure, & less worried & paranoid, I started updating it less, until I completely stopped updating it after we’d been together for about a year.
I now wish I’d kept it up to date. I wish I hadn’t stopped writing it. I still have memories of our time together, memories of the best 2 & 3/4 years of my life, but I wish I’d kept the diary up to date, so I had more detail, could remember more of us.
I’ve been tempted to re-read it, re-read the record of our 1st year together, but I can’t. I know it will just upset me, remembering all the good times we had, back in those halcyon days when it was perfect between us.
I’ve had all the stupid & pointless “What if?” stuff in my head again recently.
What if things hadn’t changed? If the only problem factor was the Distance Thing, would we have stayed together? Would she have given it a chance, given us a chance? Probably. But…it did change, & she obviously felt that it was not worth the effort, not worth trying to make it work anymore. I still wish that she hadn’t dumped me, I still wish that she had given it a chance, tried to make it work, but…what’s the use. She did end it. She did decide, as much as I hate it, that it wouldn’t work out anymore, that it was no longer worth it.
What if there was no Distance Thing? If things had changed, but there was no distance problem, if, for instance, she wasn’t going to be travelling, wasn’t going to be moving around so much, would we have stayed together? Would she have tried to make it work, despite things changing? Perhaps, perhaps not. If we’d been able to see each other more, then maybe she would have given it a go, as it would have been easier to try & get things back to how they were, if there hadn’t been the whole distance problem, the problem of not seeing each other much. But…more pointless thinking. The distance problem exists. Existed. There would have been no changing that, not with her career. Stupid thinking things like that.
Damn the distance problem. If it hadn’t have been for that, if we had actually seen each other more often, like in the early days, then maybe things would not have changed in the first place.
Ha, I’ve even had paranoia about whether she even told me the truth about why she dumped me. What if she *did* find someone else, I’ve occaisionally wondered, but couldn’t bring herself to tell me that, so just said it was ‘cos of the distance etc.
Would she have done that? I don’t think so. I hope not. I don’t think she would have done that to me.
I also…I also keep thinking about her finding someone else now that we are no longer together. I know she said she isn’t going to be looking for another relationship any time soon, as it wouldn’t get anywhere for the same reasons we had to split up, as she’d be moving around the country (or world) & so on, & I know she isn’t a slapper, know she doesn’t sleep around, & so she isn’t likely (I hope, oh how I hope) to go around having drunken one-night stands etc. But I know that she will end up with someone at some point. Someone as beautiful & gorgeous & lovely & kind & perfect as Kathryn surely won’t be single for that long. And I really don’t want to think about that. And yet I do think about it. The thought of her kissing someone else, being intimate with someone else, just being with someone else, fills my heart with despair & agony & jealousy.
Oh fuck, I need to stop going on & on like this. It isn’t healthy.
And I still kind of wish that she had written me that letter she said she’d do. There are still things I want to know, still things I wish that we talked about on the phone that fateful night. Something I mentioned to her in one of those final text messages was how, that week in Prague, she seemed quite odd, quite distant to me, quite…cold. She said it was ‘cos she could see this whole thing coming, which made her upset, & she took it out on me & was sorry about that. That, in my opinion, cancels out Prague as an example of us not talking much, as the reason we didn’t talk that much that week was because she shut me out. And, if she could “see it coming” back then, why did she wait 3 weeks before saying anything? And just how long had all this been going through her head before she ended it? Had she been thinking about it before we even went to Prague? Hell, why the fuck did she even take me to Prague in the 1st place? Why? If she’d been thinking this back then, why take me on holiday for my birthday? Why the…facade? She always used to say that if anything was wrong, if there was any kind of problem, she would tell me about it, she would talk to me about it. So why didn’t she say anything at all until The Phone Call?
Dammit. That really wasn’t that great a birthday this year. Fuck, the last truly great birthday I had was my 25, two years ago. Brilliant day, back when things were good. Last year’s sucked, not because of anything to do with the relationship, but simply because I spent the majority of the day itself on a plane to Peru (the holiday itself was great, it’s just the birthday day itself which was shit). And this year’s birthday…with Kathryn, but it felt like she wasn’t actually there, she was distant that day, & distant the whole fucking week. The last week together that we had, & it really wasn’t actually that good, ‘cos she was being so odd all week.
Oh for fuck’s sake, I should shut up.
Arse. Thinking of Prague, I still have Kathryn’s dad’s Prague guide book. I’ve been meaning to send it back for ages, since we got back from Prague in early October. Did even manage to take it to work with me, so I could post it, but I keep forgetting about it. Bloody thing has been in my locker for weeks. And I can’t remember her postcode anymore, I know the address, but not the postcode. And my damn address book has vanished. Shit, I still have Kathryn’s MacBeth video too (starring the excellent Ian McKellen), & I still haven’t even watched it. I’ve had it for…must be over a year & a half (she lent it to me after we went to see a production of MacBeth on our 1year anniversary), & I still haven’t got round to watching it. Should I send it all back, or just leave it? I don’t know. I should do, I guess. Kathryn still has my MS Word CDROM too, which she borrowed when she left my place to go back to Jersey, after our final week together. I need it back, but I can’t exactly fucking ask her for it, can I. Bollocks. Can hardly send her a text or something saying “send my CD back”.
Oh Christ, & it’s Christmas in less than a month. My first Christmas alone in three years. My first Christmas in three years without Kathryn. My last two Christmas / New Year fortnights were excellent. Two whole weeks with Kathryn at the end of 2002 & again at the end of 2003. So good spending all that time with her, so good waking up next to her on Christmas morning, so good seeing in the new year with her.
Fuck. That is definitely going to be one hell of a depressing time this year.
Fuck.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
Agh. Don’t know what I’ll do this year. I’ll see my family at some point, although I think they might be going to stay at my Mum’s brother’s around then. They’ve never really been too bothered about Christmas since my brother & I grew up. Hell, I’ve never really been too fussed about it since I grew up. It only became special again for me when I was with Kathryn, it was so good being with her at Christmas (well, it was good being with her at any time). So it is really going to suck being without her this Christmas.
I do want to send her a Christmas card, definitely. Whether that’s a good idea or not, I don’t know, but I will send her a card anyway. Not quite sure what I’ll write in it. I can hardly put “Dear Kathryn, Happy Christmas my gorgeous girl, Love always, Matt x” can I, not anymore. I’ll think of something. Guess it’ll just have to be something like “Happy Christmas Kathryn, Matt”. No “love” & no x’s, as much as I’d like to put those, it probably wouldn’t be wise.
It’s tempting to send her some sort of present too, but a) I don’t know if that would be a good idea, & b) I wouldn’t know what to get her, seeing as we’ve had no contact so although I can think of things I don’t know if she already has them or not.
I’d like to talk to her too around then, but it most likely would not be the best time.
Shit. I want to speak to her, I want to hear her voice, I want to know how she is doing, how the job is, what she’s doing, how she is, etc. I still miss her, & it’s so fucking weird not having any contact with her.
Got my work’s Christmas Party coming up soon, too. Friday next week…I’m looking forward to it, as it means free beer & food, plus it should be a fun night with everyone from work. But I’m also dreading it, because it will be my first one in three years without Kathryn. She came to the one last year, & the year before that, & they were great. So fucking good. But this year I shall be all alone.