Following on from my last entry, posted late Saturday night…
Hmm. Thinking about “The Phone Call”, I don’t think I’ve actually written about the phone call the night before that one…Kathryn phoned me on the Sunday night, and, I think, was actually trying to end it then, but couldn’t do it.
She started off by saying about how she would be going back to Jersey again next summer, & would be going to various other places, & mentioned the possibility of New Zealand & even more travelling & so on, & tried to broach the subject of how the Distance Thing would become even more of a problem.
A lot of the same stuff she covered again the following night, in the final phone call, but she didn’t actually end it…I think she wanted to say it then, but couldn’t.
I did feel that that was what she was trying to do, & got very upset. I said something like “It feels like you’re dumping me in advance”. She replied that she was not dumping me, which made me relieved. I think I convinced myself that night that she wasn’t actually ending it, & was just trying to point out how things would get harder because of her career etc. Of course, I didn’t realise that she had a different definition of “dumping” to me, as I found out the following night in The Phone Call. I said in the final phone call, after she’d made things pretty fucking clear, “So you are dumping me then” She said no, she said she wasn’t “dumping me”, she said you dump someone when you hate them or when you’ve found someone else, & that she did not hate me, & did not have anyone else. “Semantics”, I said, “You’re still ending things between us. It’s the same thing”. “Yes…”, she said. Fuck. Although that 1st phone call was extremely upsetting, I really did think at the time that it wasn’t so bad, that she was just pointing out how the distance would be more of a problem. She said she missed me, she said she loved me, so I thought it was OK. If she missed me, if she loved me, then surely she wouldn’t finish things. But she did finish it, the following night.
Oh fuck. Why? Why did this happen to me?
She was my all, my one true love. I thought we’d always have each other. I thought she was my soul mate. She was the most important thing in my life.
But now I don’t have her. Now I have nothing.
What do I do now? How can I pick up the pieces of my shattered life, when some of them are missing, & the glue that held them together has gone forever?
What do I do? What is the point? What is my purpose? Where do I take my life from here?
Natalie says I should look at this as a time of change, time to re-assess things in my life & do something different.
Like what?
My job? I don’t actually have much of a problem with my job at the moment. It’s better than it used to be (I changed departments a year ago, & it’s a lot less boring than before). The money is not great, but there’s little chance of finding a different & more interesting job with more money, as there really is fuck-all money in biotech unless you have a doctorate (& even then, it’s not great). If I tried to find a new job, I’d end up just doing similar to what I do now, for similar money.
My location? There’s really no point in moving anywhere else. Most of my friends are still in this area. If I moved away, e.g. to London, I wouldn’t know *anybody*, & I’d need a new job. And a job in London, in my field, would not pay anymore than what I earn now, in fact it would actually work out less due to the cost of living (I know, I did look at jobs in London last year, when Kat was still there).
What else? Natalie suggested I take a course in something, something to get me out & doing something different, & meet new people etc.
But what would I do? [And how the fuck would I afford it?]
Something in IT? If I were to change career, I would be interesed in something IT / Computer Science related, which would require me doing some sort of course so I actually had relevant training & qualifications, instead of simply knowledge I’ve picked up over the years. But, I don’t have the money, & even if I did do one, it would still be hard to find a decent job, due to the market being saturated with shitloads of people who’ve actually done proper IT/CS degrees etc.
So what else? Fuck knows.
I suppose I’m going out more, getting out & having fun with my friends. That’s good. And I’m gonna try & play pool regularly with Tom & co, now I’ve joined the pool place. Also trying to get badminton going again with workmates. Dave’s up for it, just need to find a couple of other people & start that up again.
My friends say that I have changed over the last (nearly) three years, over my time with Kathryn. Changed for the better, apparently. My outlook on things changed, my confidence, stuff like that, plus, having a girlfriend meant I also made more of an effort in my appearance (well, usually), I finally stopped wearing the same crap all the time, got new clothes, things like that.
I do think they’re right. I do recognise that I have changed, compared to how I was before I was with Kathryn.
But I am worried that some of the changes will not last.
The change in outlook, the increase in confidence, the happiness…all due to being with Kathryn.
Now, now the confidence has gone. Now the happiness has gone. Now the self-worth has gone. Now everything has gone. Except, of course, the negativity, & the fear of rejection. They remain, & they have increased. Now, just like times before Kathryn, I am crippled by the lack of self-confidence, the lack of worth, the lack of purpose, & they are probably greater than they used to be when I was last single.
If, in some distant future, I did, by some miracle, actually find someone else, someone else I thought I wanted to be with, I don’t think I could get anywhere, as I just don’t have any confidence, & having been dumped by Kathryn after so long has brought back the fear of rejection with a vengeance. I don’t think I could give anyone else my heart again, as I know it would just get crushed.
Agh, I should shut the fuck up. It *will* get better eventually, & I will get over it.
Oh, how I wallow in my own self-pity. One of the things I’m really good at.
I don’t know why I feel so bad again. Although that 1st week was obviously absolute hell, the next couple of weeks after it were not that bad. I had thought I was getting better, I had thought I was getting over it OK, starting to get over her OK. But now it seems to have returned. Why? I guess one thing is that I often bottle things up. Plus, of course, the time of year does not help, as I’ve been thinking about Christmas Past & Christmas Future.
Fuck. I need to stop this. I need to stop thinking like this. I need to stop going over it all in my head again & again. I can’t get over things if I still think about it like this. But I still feel that I am lacking any closure, so that doesn’t really help.
Dammit.
I *have* to try & stop all this. I *have* to try & move on, & just fucking get over it.
“They” say that time heals all wounds.
I hope it does. I guess it does. I know it should get easier. I know it has got easier. It isn’t as bad as it was a month ago, & I do feel better than then, I don’t feel as bad, as upset. I’ve got past the crying stage, & generally I am better than before. I think it’s just that I make myself worse, I think about it & have it going round in my head again. So I know it will get better, & better, & better, until I am over it. I just have to stop beating myself up about it.
I know that I can’t see her if I am not over her. And I do want to see her, so I will *have* to get over her.
I know it will never be the same again, & I know it will be hard at first. But I *do* want to be friends with her, I *do* want to stay in touch, stay in contact, see her. I do hope that we can remain friends. I do hope that we will still be in each other’s lives, even though it will not be as lovers, even though it will not be as a couple. I hope that we manage it, & I hope that we remain very good friends…she became one of my best & closest friends, as well as my girlfriend & love, & I do not want to lose that too. I’m sure that there will still be some sort of bond between us, and, perhaps, we can become even better friends despite no longer being lovers, despite no longer being a couple.
I need to get all this out of my head (the blog helps), stop wallowing in self-pity & making myself depressed, & I need to move on.
Heh, & I also need to fucking well stop smoking. I’m an idiot. Agh. I know full-well the health issues associated with it (all my grandparents died due to smoking), & I know it’s a fucking waste of money. I really need to stop it. Fuck my lungs, it’s my wallet it’s killing. I will try & finish my current pack, & then stop. For good, this time…I mean it.