Better night last night than Monday night.
Still cried myself to sleep, but got to sleep quicker.
I guess the beer helped.
Slept a bit better too. No bad dreams that I remember, & I didn’t wake up in the night.
Work was better than yesterday, but still horrible.
I managed to keep myself busy all day, so didn’t have much time to start thinking or let my mind wander.
But, every now & then, it still came back. The ache. The pain. The sorrow. Still had a few times throughout the day when I thought I was going to break down & cry.
They played Joy Division’s “Love will tear us apart” on Radio 1, in honour of the late great John Peel. A depressing song, but I love it. And in my current situation, the lyrics really really do mean something to me.
Texted Kathryn at lunchtime, in reply to the one she sent me yesterday evening.
Quite a long one again. Replying to things she said in her last one, plus saying things I still had left to say, & asking her things.
She replied soon after I got home from work. Replied to a couple of things I said, & said that maybe if she wrote me a letter it would be better for saying everything & explaining everything again. Makes sense. Text messages suck. Really suck. But it’s too soon to talk on the phone (I know I couldn’t handle it), so a letter is a good idea. She said she felt shit today too. Said she does still love me, but not in the same way as before. So I guess even if the distance thing wasn’t a problem, this probably would still have happened, if she feels like that, feels like things have changed, even if she does still love me in some way & still cares for me & so on. So I think that kills any slight remaining hope that she may change her mind. FUCK.
I replied a little later, & said that a letter would be good.
She also asked if I want her to return my bracelet. It’s an old silver bracelet, engraved with my name, given to me by my grandparents when I was Christened as a baby. I said she should keep it. I never wore it anyway, & I want her to still have it, to still have something of mine. She also still has the gold & diamond eternity ring I gave her for our 1st anniversary. I told her on Tuesday that I’d like her to still keep that. She said she would, as it’s still a special possession of hers.
Then I watched the 1st two episodes of the new second series of “Little Britain” (tape borrowed from a workmate).
Very funny. For an hour, I managed to keep my mind off of everything, & just enjoyed the comedy.
But it hit me again afterwards.
I spent half an hour in the garden, drinking my remaining bottle of beer, & chainsmoking.
Came inside, went upstairs, & soon after was phoned by Natalie.
Had a good chat. Talked about this a bit, also just simply had a chat about various things, random things, etc.
Good to talk. Although now I think Nat has the impression that I’m actually doing quite well at the moment, because I managed to talk about other things, & didn’t totally break down on the phone (nearly did a couple of times but managed to stop it & hold it in). Thing is, I don’t really feel that much better. I bottle things up, plus I do sound OK & normal when my mind is on something else.
Didn’t do much after talking to Nat. Went on the net while listening to music. Heh, & then I started writing this, while listening to “Love will tear us apart” on repeat.
Bed now.