I spent 2 hours on the phone with Kathryn tonight.
It was not a happy phone call. I spent most of it crying my fucking eyes out 
I’ve been with Kathryn, my perfect beautiful girl, the love of my fucking life, for 2 years & 9 months…..and now it’s all over. Finished. Dead. Kaput. And I am seriously fucking upset & depressed about it
I thought we had a future together…she seems to believe otherwise.
It sucks. It really fucking sucks.
The main problem seems to be the whole long distance relationship thing, the whole problem of only seeing each other once a month or less.
She’s currently in Jersey, until the new year, doing her 1st 6 month PRHO (Pre-Registration House Officer) position at the hospital. The old Junior Doctor thing. After that, she’s going to be in London for 6 months. Then, after London, she’s probably going back to Jersey for another 6 months, & then….who knows. Various other random places for 6 months or more at a time….including possibly New Zealand or somewhere else (she wants to travel again at some point, & work abroad, & maybe even not just go to New Zealand, but go off & do VSO or MSF work somewhere abroad for x amount of time).
She says that you can’t have a relationship like that. That it won’t work, when you’re supposed to be “going out with” someone, supposed to be in a relationship with someone, yet only see them for the odd weekend every month or two (& probably less than that, for a while, in the future – especially if she travels).
She thinks that it will just get worse & worse, not seeing each other, drifting apart, etc., & that it would just get harder & harder being apart for that long, & we’d get more & more annoyed & stressed & upset with each other, & that we would end up splitting up anyway in a way even worse than we have done tonight, so it’s “better in the long run” to just end things now, to save possible future hurt.
She also thinks things aren’t quite how they used to be anyway, that maybe things have changed between us, despite us both still loving & caring for each other. We don’t always seem to have a great deal to talk about anymore, & she says maybe the spark has gone.
So….it’s over, just like that
She says she does still care for me, does still have feelings for me, does still love me, but that it just wouldn’t work. She’s not dumping me for anyone else, & says she doesn’t want anyone else (& says she wouldn’t end up in another relationship anyway for the same reasons she is ending this one). She says she can’t bare the thought of me being with anyone else, just as I cannot stand the thought of her ever being with anyone else.
OK, yes, it does suck not seeing each other often. It does really fucking suck. I know that already from her being in Jersey the past three months. And yes, it probably would get worse. Especially if Kathryn travelled.
But I don’t see why we can’t just try anyway, try to make it work, try & make an effort, even if we did get miserable from rarely seeing each other. At least we *would* still see each other. Knowing that I would be seeing her in x weeks/months would get me through the time without her. That’s how I’ve managed it so far.
I don’t understand why she is just pre-empting a possible future hurtful breakup caused by the distance / time apart by ending it *now*, when we could still be seeing each other, still have some time together, even if it is only every so often. We could’ve had a long weekend together in November, we would have had a week or more together over Christmas, we would have had more chance to see each other when she’s in London (a lot easier than Jersey. Although even Jersey isn’t that bad…once a month is better than nothing). I don’t understand why she couldn’t have just given it a chance. Why end now, just because we might end up splitting up due to distance/time in the future.
And if the spark has gone, why not try & re-light it. I’m sure a lot of couples have some times when they simply don’t have a lot of things to say to each other. You get used to each other. Things settle down after the initial “honeymoon period”. And it doesn’t help, I guess, that sometimes one or both of us are too tired to really talk properly when we do get on the phone, due to her shifts and so on. And even if things have dulled down a bit, got different, or whatever, compared to how it used to be at the start, there is *still* something there between us. There will always be something there. If there wasn’t, neither of us would have been so absolutely & totally fucking upset as we were tonight on the phone.
I love Kathryn. I care for Kathryn. I only want Kathryn. I still want to be with Kathryn. I would rather only see Kathryn once every month or two than never see her at all. I would rather only see Kathryn every month or two than find someone else I could see every day. I don’t want to be without her. OK, we’ve not exactly literally been together much recently, but that is better than never being together!
She doesn’t want to be out of my life completely she says, & still wants to be friends, still stay in touch, still see each other occasionally. But that’s all. We would no longer be together. We would no longer be a couple. Just friends who happened to used to be a couple.
I’m not totally sure how I feel about that. On the one hand, I did feel like telling her to fuck off, as what’s the point in the whole “let’s stay friends” thing? How can it possibly work if one or both people still have feelings, even if you wait a while? But, I definitely do not want to never see her again, even if she will only be a friend. I don’t want her out of my life, even if she’ll only be a friend. I still want to see her, even if it hurts like hell to do so.
She said we should maybe not contact each other for a while, so it all has a chance to sink in, & we both feel less upset, & then I can call her or she can call me & we can see how it is.
I’d like to cling to some hope that she may, after a while, change her mind, & decide that she does still want me, does want to be more than just friends. But I think that would be a very naive hope. I spent a long time pleading with her on the phone to change her mind, & asking her why she was so dead set, why she wanted to end it now instead of trying anyway despite it probably getting worse due to distance/time etc. She’s adamant, so I don’t think there is any hope at all. If I try & believe otherwise, I will probably be deluding myself.
After the phone, I went out to the garden to have a beer & chainsmoke my way through some fags. My housemate Tom joined me, so I unloaded a lot onto him. It was good to talk to someone about it, but I still feel like shit, still don’t understand, & still ache inside.