So…Thursday through ’till now…
Wasn’t as bad at work Thursday & Friday. Fairly busy, managing to keep my mind on other things.
Talked to Tim on Thursday night, & went to a couple of pubs with Rich on Friday night. I’m glad my friends are there for me.
The pain & the hurt is still there, but I think I’m getting past the initial “wanting to break down & cry shitloads” stage. Still times when I’ll think about it all, or something will remind me of her, & the tears start to flow again. But now the main feeling is this ache, this sorrow & darkness inside me.
It’s sunk in more now, & I’m getting over the initial shock. I’ve even started to understand her reasoning more now. I don’t really accept it, as I still wish we could have tried anyway, despite the distance & so on. But deep down in my head, I can understand why she did it. But I still wish it hadn’t happened, & still wish we’d had more time together.
I think it would have been worse if we had been one of those lucky couples who do actually manage to see each other regularly, & had then split up for some reason. That would have been harder than this, as at least I am already used to not seeing her that often.
I sort of feel that I should hate Kathryn, but I can’t. I can never hate her.
I’m all alone now. OK, I have my friends, I have my family…but I don’t have Kathryn. I feel empty. I feel like part of me has gone.
I miss her. I miss seeing her. I miss looking at her. I miss being with her. I miss doing things with her. I miss talking with her. I miss kissing her, holding & hugging her, stroking her face & her hair, lying next to her, making love with her. I miss falling asleep next to her, & I miss waking up with her lying by my side. All gone, gone…And I hate the fact that I’ll never be able to do most of that with her again.
OK, she still wants to be friends, & does want to stay in touch etc., and I am glad for that. Even though it will be hard at first, I do want to still stay in touch, still speak on the phone, still see her, even though it will be just as friends.
I still have photos of us together on my bedroom wall. I know if I’m gonna get through this, & move on, that I should take them down. Especially as I get upset when I look at them. I can’t yet though. Not yet.
All I have left are memories.